Four Years...

of excruciating pain, a pain none like any other I have endured. A feeling that never, never goes away. Every day and night, every moment to myself I have felt this deeply rooted pain of an immense magnitude. Others claim to have experienced it but I know that they haven't... for they have all moved on whereas I haven't. I am marooned on an island, an island surrounded by great cities full of activity and joy. Across the sea I can hear her laugh reverberating without me by her side but with someone else.

The only time where I was cured of this illness was when 'She' would appear before me with the same feelings I had for her. These feelings we shared meant the world to me but I in my infinite stupidity would always do something to rid her of these shared sentiments. In between these lapses of separation I remember... I would run for hours in an attempt to rid myself of these thoughts, those still vivid memories of her smile and her hypnotizing voice... I would lose myself in those thoughts as if I were in a trance and nothing could break my train of thought except until the barrage of memories because too much for me to handle. Then suddenly I would hear something, something so powerful and clear that it would bring me back from the world of illusions... it was 'her' calling out my name, I could not move and stood there shocked until I could see the face I memorized in my heart inches away. It felt as thought days had gone by and eventually I found myself alone again, wondering when my CD player's newly bought batteries ran out of power.

'She' in all her beauty would forgive me and we would eventually reunite... but not this time. I claimed to have moved on but I cannot lie to myself anymore... I cannot tame my heart, it controls me like and I am powerless to resist. I remember sitting next to her side by side, O' what a wonderful feeling it was knowing she rested her shoulder onto mine, her scent was the most delicate fragrance I've ever smelled.

O' how painful it is for me to see 'her' eyes and that same spirit in him, eyes that captivate me into a different world where I am not the center piece, just a spectator behind a glass wall and a spirit that moves my very soul, the Sun to a Flower, I cannot help but reach for it's ever bright golden aura.


O' if I had only been rid of my immaturity and jealousness back then maybe I could have prevented the hatred that I have for myself and from shedding these tears as I am writing this. If only I was what she sought then she would have been a part of my life now... yet I find myself here, pouring my heart and soul out, knowing my words will never reach her yet I continue. I continue as if it were a duty, an obligation I must fulfill for myself or perhaps in tribute to some unknown force. By Allah, how did I lose her? Her smile alone can bring me back from the dead... O' how I regret losing her every moment of my lonely existence... I pray every day to be with you, I swear I'm a changed man, let me feel your soft palm once more, let me grasp it as we grow old together... I swear on my unworthy life that I will never let go...