A Moment...

Expectations rise high.

The idea of failure is cast aside.

They watch and hope.

Neither confident nor uncertain.

It doesn't matter, it's always the same.

I watch the grains of sand slip away through one side of the hourglass until there is none left.

I gather my things and walk towards the front of the room.

I hand in a piece of paper to a man behind a desk.

"Finished so soon? As expected of you, I'm sure I won't be surprised with the results".

I fake a weak smile and leave. Astonished eyes follow my departure.

A soft melody plays. I answer the call.

"How was it darling?"

"It was ok".

"Thank God, I was so worried but I don't know why I always do. You always get the best grades in any class you're in"

"Haha. Not really! I'll be home soon I just want to pick up some coffee"

"Ok darling take care and I'm so proud of you. Love you, drive safe"

"Of course, love you too, bye"

I make my way down to the coffee shop. It's especially crowded since the majority of the after-Fatoor classes have ended.

"Hey, it's good to see you again. How was your examination?"

"Hey Francis, it was alright, I hope I did well"

"I'm sure you did, so will it be the usual?"

"Not today, can I have a ... hmmm... yeah can I have a double espresso please?"

"Ok... ONE DOPYO ESPRESSO PLEASE. That will be 1KD please"

"Thank you". I hand him the money and I find an empty section to stand in.

Moments later...

"Hiiii... how are you! I haven't seen you in a while!"

"Hey, I'm fine, how about you? Yeah I don't stick around much anymore."

"I'm good. Yeah that's a shame, you should! Anyways I have to go, I'll see you later, it was nice seeing you!"

"Alright take care, see you around".

A voice came from behind me.

"Hey man, how you been?"

"Hey Talal, I've been great, how about you?"

"Good, good I guess. Man that test was hard! But wow you finished it so fast... you and your weird hourglass thing haha".

"Really? I thought I finished at a normal pace. I like setting a time limit for myself and I like seeing the grains of sand falling, it's relaxing."

"That must be your secret. Yo man I don't want to sound nosy but man that girl you just talked to really has a thing for you. She was smiling and giggling nonstop and her face was so red! Why don't you get to know her more?"

"Are you for real? I didn't notice any of that. She's a friendly person but I don't know, she's just not my type."

"Dude, she's one of the most prettiest girls in uni! You must be crazy for not taking the chance to get to know her better!"

"I don't care how pretty she is, I'm really not into her."

"Whatever man, you're weird. Anyways I got to run, I'll call you later."

"Alright man take it easy".

I hear my order being called out and I go and pick up my drink. I carry it to a nearby counter and start adding some sugar and I begin mixing it with a wooden stirrer.

I put my headphones into my ears and turn my iPod on.

I scroll through my music library until I find a song I like. I turn up the volume as to drown out the surrounding noise.

The words, "it's a beautiful day sky falls... you feel like it's a beautiful day... don't let it get away... in the maze of her imagination... take me to that other place" find their way into my ears.

"Can't get enough of this song". I turn around and heads towards the door. As I'm walking, I bring the cup to my mouth.

Thats when I saw her.

I don't move nor breath.

The cup rests inches away from my slightly open mouth. It stays open for a few moments.

The cup felt like it was getting lighter and lighter.

Some girls next to me called out to her.

She looked in their direction and waved back, knowing a verbal greeting would be of no use against the background noise.

For a moment, our eyes connected.

Her eyes... it was as if they were entering my soul and trying to find out who I was, what I was, and everything else about me.

I let them.

I told her how I felt at that exact moment not by voice nor by body but by how I looked back at her.

Now she was in my mind.

It's pitch black and the only source of light comes from the numerous white shapes.

Stars.

I can see her.

I'm... I don't believe what I see but... I'm holding her.

Her head is resting on my chest.

Her eyes are closed.

She's smiling.

Her hair... I cannot describe how good it smells... it's unworldly... it overwhelms me and I can feel my legs quivering in response.

Her chest slightly heaves up and down against mine as she softly breathes.

It's indescribable.

She suddenly looks up and gazes at my awestruck eyes.

She laughs.

I hold her even tighter and she does the same.

I try to tell her.

She raises her finger and places it on my lips.

No words are exchanged.

They don't have to be.

We both know.

Suddenly my surroundings change into a familiar sight.

I find myself still frozen in place.

She seems so far away now.

She smiles.

It's such a beautiful smile. The definition of perfect.

My chest feels warmer than usual.

I hear voices.

They don't make any sense.

She looks away, her gaze now directed at something else.

She seems so happy, happier than before in that starlit sky.

He tells her something and she starts laughing.

I can hear her laughter somehow above all the noise.

It's euphonic. The chirping of birds, nature's choralist, is nothing in comparison.

They both are surrounded by friends and relatives.

They seem like a perfect family.

...

I can see her now in a meadow. It's covered with so many colorful flowers.

She's older now but somehow even more breathtaking.

She's holding a child.

It's beautiful and resembles her in almost every way.

He takes the child from her and puts her above his head.

He starts running around now, laughing along with his daughter as they race through the meadow.

She watches and cheers them on.

The sunlight danced across her hair.

I was wonderstruck.

They eventually made their way out of the coffee shop.

The voices seemed so much more clearer now.

"I'm so sorry sir! That cup must have been leaky. Please have another one on the house and again we apologize. Here sir, let me clean that for you".

He attempted to wipe some of it off with some napkins.

I held his hand in place.

"It's... ok... really it was... my fault".

Everyone was watching me now as if I was an alien.

Some people suppressed laughs and some helped picking up some of my dropped things.

There was a pile of sparkling sand next to my foot.

A portion of the spilled sand seemed to sparkle more than the rest.

It was damp I realized.



I brushed past the crowd and headed outside.

I needed to see the sky.

It was littered with stars but it wasn't the same.




A friend followed me outside.

"Dude what's wrong with you? I saw you buy the coffee then you looked towards the door then a second later you just dropped the cup. You really do have butterfingers."



"Was it really only a second?"

"Ummm yeah? Ahh your shirt, you just bought it yesterday! Akhhh that sucks man. I have an extra one in my car if you want".

"I appreciate it, thanks. Listen I'll be back I need to get some tissue from my car to try and wipe some of this off before I send it to the dry cleaners".



I walked hurriedly to my car, I didn't want him to see.



I reached my car and got some tissue out.



There was a warm feeling trickling down my cheek.






I let it all out.

Ten Years of Silence

A faint memory, a familiar name, a face that hasn't changed.

All it took was a message.

What started as a polite reunion became so much more.

The smiles, the laughter, the discussions about life.

An almost stranger from a distant past transforms into someone you feel like you've known for so long.

She calls.

Her delicate voice is soothing to my ears.

Heart racing, legs ever so heavy.

We meet face to face.

We exchange hands, and smile.

Calloused, rough, uncared for hands lightly embrace soft, petite hands with skin as smooth as the petal of a flower.

According to each other, neither has changed much.

Eyes gazing, their imaginations go wild, a social taboo unfolds before them!

The pressure mounts, their eyes burn, searching for answers.

I suggest we go outside, the wind is favorable. She shakes her head and points to a table.

I admire her reaction, she doesn't acknowledge their existence.

She was at ease, she felt natural.

Our responses should have been the opposite.

The tables have been turned. She was different.

We're in our own world. Outside distractions don't exist.

The only thing that matters is that face in front of me.

Her drive to succeed in life and her passion to prove herself trivializes that of my own, or perhaps just differs.

She reminds me of them but with none of their flaws.

A survivor amidst a chaotic upbringing. A troublesome life that has strengthened her resolve to fight.

I think of how similar she is to myself but I keep it to myself, tonight is where I listen and marvel.

Lack of sleep and sustenance has made me weak and impatient. I do my best to not let it get a hold of me.

Is my interest dying down or is it the fatigue? The caffeine wears out.

The clock ticks, the seconds draw closer, the moment is upon us.

I walk her to her car, her work etiquette overcame her once more and we shake hands once again.

She hopes to do this again, I wonder of her sincerity.

She has shared so much and I had not returned the gesture.

That would change the next time I told myself. A feeling of trust emanates from her.

We continue talking once back home.

Three hours of sleep over the course of two days and no food has taken it's toll on me, a drowsiness overcomes me.

I bid her goodnight.

My emotions are a tangled web of deceit.

Never am I certain of my feelings for another.

They vanish and resurface, appearing slightly different each time.

Possibilities and vivid thoughts enter my mind.

If our destinies are intertwined, cultural barriers could possibly play a part in the demise of our fate.

History repeats itself.

But she is different.

Me and you

It’s Wednesday morning

The music flows, attuning me to you

Spirits ever so high

I find myself thinking about you again.

I can’t help it; I can’t fight it no matter how hard I try.

A wave of memories floods my mind, I reminisce about those hazel eyes.

Walking into that coffee shop, my sole desire is to see you and only you, not knock back a golden cup of coffee water or glance at all the pretty colors.

To my dismay, every now and then you’re gone, don’t see you, but in your place some unknown.

Love that velvet sofa, that special one, more than ever when you’re tired

I find myself drawn, Snow-White never looked as good.

These summer days, so hectic but you gave me peace.

You gave me tranquility to the war going on inside.

But now you’re gone, but for how long.

Are these real or is it just déjà vu all over again.

Can you answer that. I’m so worn out.

Want you to know but I keep to my promises, not to my vows.

Don’t know what to do about the rest, can’t say the same about you.

Do you love him still or is he just a fragment of your imagination.

Will you refute the way I feel, or make me whole once again.

Once you get a piece, it’s so hard to forget. Feels so warm and light.

The day you look your prettiest, if I’m not by your side, don’t expect me to come and fake a smile.

Swear to look after me in sickness and in health, can’t bear it otherwise.

Can’t help but wonder, will I ever fit into your life.

Find a place in your thoughts.

Besides being a shoulder to cry on.

Can’t explain it all.

Don’t need an explanation as to why I care about you.

Made my peace with it all

Now it’s up to you, set me free or show me the path

Damned if I try and fight it anymore.

Don’t want to wake up with the usual emptiness.

My will to fight’s been broken, the moment our eyes met.

Been a struggle ever since.

Would it make a difference if I drew closer to you and whispered my confessions into your ear.

Why bother.

Be the last, I’m tired of it all.

Why do I keep believing.

Sometimes I feel, it delights in it all

Reminiscent of the Past...

Two years later, things have changed, I've moved on and yet I feel like my feelings haven't changed.

New faces and new feelings, I feel like my heart has gotten a jump start and is slowly humming back to life, the gears revving in motion and the cob-webs shriveling away.

I survived two years of torment; do I have it in me to go through this agony all over again?

So many people, so many regrets, so many evening strolls, jogs and cruises... music blaring in the background, nostalgia and melancholy running rampant throughout my mind… my vows of the past are broken… must my feelings towards someone else always prevail over that of my own?

Why can’t I be truly happy… those financially less fortunate I, they smile and laugh as they do what they must … yet the privileged pity these men when it is the less fortunate who are more content… for they do not suffer the ethereal burns of the fire that is love. When the birds awaken and sing their songs of life, these men keep the terra firma beautiful, with their pearly white smiles, side by side with one another while we sleep and dream…our minds set on the next day… things to do, what to buy, what to wear, what to eat, who to see, who to impress…

I pass by these men; fatigue has struck the very depths of my core, the music keeps me awake… I breathe in the crisp morning air coming through my windows, the wind blows through my hair… the chirping of the birds somehow overcomes the words of people who claim to know what I am barely enduring. This is what it feels like to truly be alive… I salute them with a friendly wave… their presence inspires me, I admire these men, and I envy them.

Love is luxury that not all can afford… but these men survive without this treasure I so thoughtlessly cherish… am I as strong as they are to abstain from it? Is this enigma of life such a thing my flesh, my bone, my sinew, my nerves, and my soul can do without? Do I truly want to whisk it away? Am I a madman to wish for peace for the war raging within my very essence?

9:48 AM– – A Starbucks

Now, I wait for an answer… an answer I sought out for over 5 years… 5 years… yet… it remains unclear as to what it will be... I’ve been denied of a clear answer but rather was given an incomplete answer… a puzzle lacking the final piece… one that makes me feel guilty of finding someone capable … capable of giving me a similar feeling… the sentiment that makes pain a relic of the past…. I pledged my love to her, something so sacred to me but as a human being I too have my faults… such as having feelings for another although not as strong as the ones I have for her but from my experience it is impeccably hard to strike my hard exterior and warm my heart…. yet only a few others besides my better half have done so, do they must hold some form of value to me? A value greater than the typical infatuations people tend to have? I think so but I fear… that if I continue down this path… their path then my dearest of friends may get hurt as they share the same or similar emotions I do towards them … also I tend to forget of the cultural imbalances here set on blind fervor… however, I still hold my views of passion, being towards her and only her…

I know… know for certain that she is the one… in a time of petty infatuations between the two energies, I’ve had a special bond with someone for more than five years, truly that must mean something in this day and age for someone of my age? My days and nights consists of flashbacks of her eyes and smile…those eyes…. I could never forget them… they constantly haunt me and when I finally feel as though I have finally ridden my thoughts of her unworldly aura… something in the physical world makes me reminisce of her… someone with the same name, someone mentioning her…. her reputation in this small land precedes her… I am mortally bound to her… incapable of moving on… some might say it’s a curse… I don’t disagree with them… yet it is a curse I am grateful of, for our existence together in the same time period, location and circumstances I know… wasn’t a coincidence… but rather something I, under my condition… don’t feel right proclaiming… I still close my eyes when I pass places we’ve been together or avoid them completely and If I can’t, then I stand still… be it a chair, a patch of grass or a walkway… and my thoughts on their own... focus on our past…

No matter

where or how far I go it seems as though I always see her... I strive to win back her affection, if only she knew what hellish times I have been through for her sake, for a simple glimpse of affection... a piece of what she used to display torwards me... it pains me to see the symbol of our once fragile passion in its current state... dried and crumbled, the petals no longer vibrant with life... everyday is like walking in a field of sand, pointless and a struggle, the winds of reality constantly push me back and brings along the sands of blind passion into my eyes...

In Her Midst

they are the pearls of my life, the equivalent of the last rose on earth.... the greater equivalent

Even when my body recovers from the hassles of the day, when all is still and clear does she enter my thoughts... at a time where I truly am at peace and with myself, I see her gentle smile and those ever so familiar eyes, the only ones in this green paradise capable of making me reminisce of that indescribable feeling... the one that kept me up at night walking through the streets of Cordoba yearning to see her.

It was my childish and naive hopes of love that made me scale walls with bloodied hands over peacefully slumbering heads... seeking the best way in which I could send her letters of my innumerable feelings for her, a thousand different versions of the word 'beautiful' of different languages and dialects and recite the poetry instilled in my heart to her... and once done I would blow her the Kiss of Midnight and then flee away into the darkness, and long for her the instant we parted...

The next night I would follow my way back to her by the trail of pearl shaped tears I would leave the night before, as they glisten against the midnight moon...

Let it be known, that I swear... I swear that I want no other no matter how perfect they are...

I will only and always desire her...